It's been a little while since I've blogged. A lot of things have happened recently. Last weekend I went to Ft Myers for Disciple Now where I lead 5 study sessions with middle school and high school girls. God truly blessed me throughout the weekend. The weekend before I went to Gasparilla Island with Refuge. Last Wednesday at Refuge X & Y Hope Smith spoke on answering God's call to missions. I'm still in the process of being completely sold out to God. (Not that there really is a point that you reach we will forever continuously be challenged) BUT I am learning to give up the things I so desperately hold on to.
As there are many the one I have trouble with the most and speak so often about is the desire for my husband. I have been challenged to not be a schemer. (Which I do so well ;] Not the giving it up part but the scheming part) Ooooooooooooh Lordy can I scheme. BUT I am working on it. All in God's timing. I have realized that the thing I idolize the most is wanting to have a husband and have a family. Not that wanting these things are bad, but when this comes from my lips more than the gospel how can I expect God to bless me by giving me the desires of my heart when I'm not proclaiming his name wholeheartedly???
I truly believe God will give me a husband, but I need to make use of my singleness. This is the time where my relationship with God and my knowledge of him should be growing. How can he work on me when I am distracted by something else or someone else? (Sooo much easier said then done though)
So Hope Smith like I said spoke at Refuge X & Y last Wednesday. Her story really hit home with me. There's a time when God will ask you for your heart and a time when he will ask you for your obedience. I've been running. Running for a VERY long time. I remember sitting in chapel at Seffner Christian (I was like 12) praying for God not to make me a missionary. I will be anything else that you want me to be God, but PLEASE not that! He has been waiting for me to respond to him for a very long time.
I'm not sure exactly if God is calling me to another country or to be a pastors wife or what it is that he has planned, but I do know that he is asking me for my heart. To trust God that the plan for me may not include the white picket fence, hubby, and kids. That I may need to be single to further his kingdom. Finally I have reached a point where I've given up this thing that I hold on to most. He isn't asking for my obedience yet. I'm not at that point in life. He is making the path though. He has my heart. All of it. Wherever he calls me to go I will go. If its starting a church in the US or going to the ends of the earth I will go. With or without a husband I will go.
My prayer is to hold true to my word. That although I have made this decision now it will still be my decision when I get to that lonely place. I know it won't be long and it will be difficult, but as each day passes he is truly filling my heart with a desire for him that surpasses all.
There is a quote by Tozer that exemplifies the desire of my heart.
"True worship is to be so personally and hopelessly in love with God that the idea of a transfer of affection never even remotely exists."
I honestly hope I get to a point where this will reign true.
Your words are my food and your breath my wine. You are everything to me.